Awaken

I have never had the usual girly dreams of having a perfect wedding, marrying a wonderful husband or even having beautiful kids. Sometimes i even wonder why so many ladies out there would want to dream of all these things because future is too unpredictable. Maybe is because the experiences i witnessed along my growth, maybe it is just simply because i am not girly enough.

But then i did what are expected of each person in this world. I got found someone i think i could spend my life together and got married.

Even getting married was like a by the way thing. All because my partner has to go abroad to work and i chose to go along with him. Getting married was like the right thing to do and it is the only way for me to get to the country with him and be together. Hence married life didnt really settled in me as much. Nothing seemed different between us. Even we have not had the normal Chinese custom and the reception, i didnt really seem to think these are really important to me. I never rush to have them and never even sit down to properly plan them. All i know is that we will be having them next year. Period.

The idea of being married has never really settled itself in me, until one day.

I am planning a trip with my family to Canada by end of this year and the process of getting a visa is just painful. There are numerous forms to fill up. I was just filling up these forms until i see came to the area about my marriage status. For the first time ever, i have to check on being married and i have to write down the details of my partner. It was like a tight slap to my face waking me up to realise that i am no longer single. I am no longer responsible to myself. I am someone else's wife. It was like a Oh My god situation!

The other thing is how KC's friend will refer me as - Your wife! It really didnt hit me as much until now.  For me it is still strange to refer him as my husband. Somehow i am still rejecting that idea. Maybe is because i am just too selfish to loose my own identity. Hence i still refer him as my partner or his name directly. Of course i know loosing one's identity is not just because of marriage, it is of how me handle situation and how much dependency one is towards the partner. And i know being me i will never loose my identity. Am just a person too independent and stubborn to loose myself.