You love me, you love me not..

My girl friend told me that she is in love with someone who doesnt really loves her so much. Each day the aches her heart brings upon her of missing him is driving her crazy. She asked me what can she do to make her miss him less or even better, to forget about her.

She said that he didnt call or text her, sometimes for days. Yet when once a while when he texted her with some mushy words, she would have forgiven him for missing for such a long time, and his text meant the world to her. She said there was once when he went for a business trip and the last thing he told her was he was upset because of the sudden changed in his itinerary, he could not meet up another girl. She was furious and she swore to herself that that was the last straw!

The first night that he was away, she was blinded by anger and thus the night went through easier, because she misses him less, but was more angry at him. Then the second day, her anger vanished and she begin to miss him more. She wonders how he is doing, and if there will be a slight possibility that he might text her or even leave her an email or any sort. Nothing happened. Then the third day she found out that he was online sometimes and he was flirting with someone else on Fb, she was so furious! That has again proven to her that she meant little or nothing to him. So from then on, she shut herself from him and things were progressing well, she misses him less and was beginning to pick up her life again until one night, out of her expectation, that guy texted him. She didnt replied but since that night, whatever efforts she had put in gone down the drain. She misses him again, this time even more. But as again, the guy just vanishes into thin air.

I remember a friend once told me that love is poisonous. Once you are in it, you cant help yourself but to do stupid and irrational things. Though love is poisonous, yet we cant help ourselves from falling in love. Love is a funny thing aint it? Sometimes, someone loves you more or vice versa. Sometimes it is always the wrong timing when the passion from one party is more than the other, and thus they might be arguing over who loves who more, or feeling unappreciated when one is high in passion and love and the other is not. i guess you cant just force yourself to love someone more or someone to love you more. Love is never a fair game.

I think only time will be able to help her now. I am hoping that one day, she would just suddenly wake up in the morning and realises that he is not worth it and dump him entirely from her life. Until then, i am sure she will continue with her debate of missing him and being angry at him.

1 year

I was in a cab the other day, sweating profoundly and listening to my ipod. It was a typical afternoon of Beirut and i was on my way to downtown.

The cab driver was a late fifty old Lebanese who spoke little English because in our conversation to negotiate a price for the fare, what we have spoke was Taxi? A/C? Downtown? How much? And he replied mostly with a nod and the price with ten thousand. Once i nodded my head, he just started his engine and the A/C, and thereafter the journey not a word from both of us.

It must have been some auspicious day for the Lebanese that day because along the way i have seen the newly wed cars tied with ribbons. Just as we were turning the corner, a pair of newly wed were standing at the walkway waiting to cross the road. The cab drive signaled to them to cross and the newly wed crossed with a happy smile.

Suddenly the cab driver spoke "1 year!" I was stunned and said "I beg your pardon?" The cab drive then turned his head to me and said again "They, 1 year, happy married!" I couldnt help but laughed so loud and replied with an ok. Then he continued by saying "Before married, guy ask girl, hungry? want shopping? they always say no. After married, everyday want shopping, every time hungry!" By now i was really laughing so loud already not because of his statement, because of they way he spoke it. He continued to grumble and grumble but to himself this time, and i think he was also speaking in Arabic.

I think he must have been through the 1 year to forever hell period of his marriage. And from the way he is still grumbling over it, the hell must be still on going. I wonder if he was as happy when he was first married.

Anyway i was sent to my destination and that interrupted his grumbling and mumbling. I paid and just when i was about to close the door, again he looked at me, using his finger to make a signal of one, and said again "One Year!", and i laughed again so much while closing the door and saying my thank you to him.

One Year!

A Story of A Lost Girl

I was told of a story of a girl and I hope that by writing her story here at my blog, it will be served as a path for her road to closure, and thus bringing forgiveness in her heart and happiniess thereafter.

The story started during her childhood, a childhood that made its mark on her so deeply even to now. She told me her childhood has brought her happiness and joys, but at the same time, sorrows, pains, betrayal and also the inability to trust those whom she loves.

She was raised and brought up in a normal, small family in her early years. Then one day, things changed around her. She remembers crying and cursing that came from her mother and the coldness that was from her father. Each night, her mother will have them locked inside a room, where she will cried and asked of her daughter never to forgive the betrayal brought upon by the father. But the daughter couldn’t bear the pain of hating her father, yet the mother insisted that upon her. So day by day, the girl started to tell herself how much she hated her father, scribbling hateful words on the word which pleased her mum, and eventually the girl really did hate her father.

The one day, the father was gone. She remembered sometime after her father was gone, one night, her mother gathered them into a car and drove to a place where they waited patiently for the arrival of the father. That was where the father had moved out to. But they have never got the chance to meet him at all. Then one fateful day again, the girl was brought to a place where there she met her father after a long time, with another woman. She was too young to make out what exactly happened that day or what words were exchanged between her parents. All she remembered was the other woman smiled at her and her siblings all the time whithout a word. She told me the most lasting impression that lady had on her was when she helped on of her siblings in changing a wet shorts with a dry one. Later on after that day, she was told that her father has cheated on her mother and the lady was his lover. So my friend hated her father even more.

After that her world changed. There are just bits and pieces of her memories when she told me her stories. She told me she couldn’t remember the exact time when things happened. Maybe because subconsciously her mind has sheltered her from pains by trying to block out the bad memories, but some still finds the way and creep into her mind at times.

Her mother began to gamble and borrowed money from loan sharks. There will night where they have lived in the dark and pretended not to be at home when someone was shouting and cursing, and slamming the gate demanding for money. There were incidents where she came back only to see pieces of woods being shalved into the holes of the door by the loan sharks. Or there were times when the house gate were being splashed by read paints and the picture of her mother flying around in flyers screaming liar and debtor. She even have to answer to calls or meet the loan sharks when she grew older while all the time her mother just hid inside the house pretended that she was not home. And when she got insulted by the loan sharks and came back crying, her mother did not even shower her with a glimpse of sympathy but calling her a coward, unreasonable and being too emotional to cry.

She retreated into her little own world by using blakets and pillows to build her own castle where she knows she will be save. She felt that there was no one that really cares of her, not her father, not her mother. She felt that her mother has only eyes for her siblings and she could never meet what her mother wants of her. She could never be good enough for her.Hence she was rebellious and she was envied and jealous of her siblings. She wanted more love from her mother, but she was never granted the loves she thought she deserves. So the relationship between her mother and her grew apart. Eventually when she grew up and understood that it takes two parties to bear for the ups and downs in love, she no longer hates her father but come to unleash all the loves she had for him over the years. Then she also saw the reality, and the other side of her mother, a side which could only seen by a grown up.

She told me that she could not understand why and how could a mother put all her miseries that she got from her father onto a little girl as young as nine? I do not know how to answer her. She told me, while grinning her teeth trying not to shed a tear, that she remembers how her mother insisted her to be involved in the “discussion” between the parents on their marriage. While her dad begged the mother to leave the kids out of the issue, the mother insisted that the daughter stayed in, and be the judge of the whole situation. How should a nine years old know what to do or call a judge to it? She also remembers that that day was her birthday. While she cried and said she didn’t know what to do or say on the situation, and pleaded her mother to just grant her a peaceful birthday dinner, her mother said coldly to her that what is so important of your birthday? She said she could not forget this incident, nor how her mother had insulted herself and my friend during the dinner that day by showing faces and talking scarcastically to her dad in the presence of my friend’s best friend.

There was also one time when she failed her driving test and was being called a shame by the mother. There was time when she was older, she fought with her mother when her mother had begin to slap and pushed her during any arguments. There was an incident when she was sick and called her mother to buy her medicine on her way back but was being called as cruel kid. All because her mother listened to some outsider who asked why your kid didn’t not ask where your about or if you have eaten when she called but instead asked of favour of you. Then the mother came back, threw a sachet of medicine on my friend, and scolded her for that. When my friend cried and said she was sick, the mother just asked her if she is death yet? Why is it that so many died of sickness and not her, her own daughter?

The next day, my friend ran out with her luggage. Days passed and finally her father called, begging her to go home, and asking forgiveness on behalf of her mother. When my friend went overseas to study, at the eve of her final graduation exam, her mother called and demanded her to call her relatives on how she has always been the faithful wife to her father while the next call was from her father who asked her to stay out of this and just to concentrate on her exam and studies, that this is not as important as her future. But my friend obliged to her mother’s request but couldn’t never understand how could her mother be so self-centred of herself? She asked me about the stories of greatest mother loves to their kids, how come that didn’t happen on her?

When she got back after her studies, she was again being dragged into the parents’ problems, being the message deliverer all the time. She told me that was the worst time of her life. When she delivered a message that was unpleasant, she will be accussed by her mother for being a traitor for standing by her father. When the exact words were being said by her and her siblings to her mother, she was the one to be blamed and hated, even when she was just repeating to her mother what she heard. She told me that life seems so unfair. And once when she got heart broken and went back to seek sympathy from her mother, all she got from her was that she was not good enough for the boy, from the mouth of her mother. Little did the mother knew that the reason behind the break up was because her boyfriend could no longer stand her mother for putting him through all her nonsense back stabbing talk about the father or asking him to help investigate on her father. He even called her mother insane!

Sometime after that, her mother started gambling again, this time in more debts and more loan sharks. When she and the siblings went through hell, begging everyone they knew to help, her own mother decided to leave them behind, quietly. So the whole ordeal repeat itself again. Red painted sprayed, electricity being cut off, the hiding, the fear of their safety, the need to relocate. What had hurt her most was when she got to know that her mother even showed the sharks the pictures of her kids. She could not believed that a mother could be so cruel, where the safety of her kids meant nothing to her. At that time, she told me that she even hated herself for looking like her. She wanted to smash the radio when they sing about the greatness of mothers love during mothers’ day.

And today, after all those ordeals, she tried very hard herself to love her mother. Though they still dine and wine some time, but she no longer could just love her and not hating her at the same time, she could not have the respects she used to have for her. She is often torn between loving and hating her mother whenever she meets her. She told me that sometimes, when the hates are much more than loves, anger will fill her but at some other time, the angel will speak into her ears telling her that everyone deserves a second chance, and reminded her the goodness that once did came from her mother.

And thus, she is afraid of motherhood. She is afraid of herself. She does not believe in faithfulness or long lasting love. She doesn not believes in marriage.

My dear friend, I really hope that by drawing all these sorrows and penning them down here, you could find a closure to the hates and sorrows you have in you. Let whatever I have written here be the past and let the future begins. I wish that forgiveness will fill the emptiness of your heart after all were drawn out. And then you should start a new chapter of your life that focus on non others, but you. It is only when you learn to forget and forgive that you will be able to sleep soundly at night, and smile the biggest smile you ever had, and love others wihout building a wall between you.

When simplicity is the best

i just finished my night by watching Sex and The City, the movie.

Yes i know i am like so slow to watch it. The movie didnt capture my attention at all when it was launched, simply because i have not been a follower of the sitcom at all. Once a while, i might catch one episode or half of it from the telly and that's all.

So this evening out of boredom, i thought i should give it a shot. When i turned it on, i realised it was actually a copy made by some Lebanese videoing it secretly in the cinema. I thought it would have been a doom with lousy sound quality and all, but it didnt. The picture was clear and so was the sound. The best thing is, there is no walking figure during the whole movie and there was no coughing too. Eventually i have forgotten that it was a secret shooting.

It was a nice movie. All because i have no expectation of it. In the movie, it talked about marriage, cheating, trying to get pregnant, and even not feeling contented when Samantha was loved and being adored by a hollywood star. It revolves around four different women trying to figure out their love life as well as not loosing themselves along the way.

When Mr Big decided to chicken out on his big wedding day, i feel him. Wedding is indeed a big thing and all the preparations and all are mostly to show off to others. This is has been the dilemma i have been having. Why the fuss when wedding is about two person? Just like what Carrie said, it is just you and me. And along the way, she got so carried away by it that the wedding got bigger and bigger, and then she realised that it has all been what she wanted, not both. At the end, after a short break up, heart broken and tears fell, they reconciled, and got married in the City Hall, just the two of them.

And i find that very calming. As long as the married is about two different souls decided to get together and to live as one, everything else doesnt matters anymore. Who said that one will loose oneself along the way if one is to be real to oneself and still ones life fully? This are what i took out from the movie.

For me, i am still being haunted by the idea of marriage due to what i have seen happening around me, and i still am still a captive by it. Maybe marriage is not so horrible and frightful after all when things are simple and you know that you will never loose yourself when you still know who you are. If one ever will loose that, it is because they let it happen to them. The choice is always on ones hand.

Simple and be myself. It's that easy.

Shopping Spree

I didint managed to sleep until about 5am yesterday, all because i was so intrigued by the book i was reading, which was on the politics of Middle East. Never ever thought i will be interested in books in this area but since i was so bored, anything is a good read to me now. Somehow if i am clever enough, the books in the studies would have leave me no time to do anything else. There are books of politics, business, self-help, physics, maths, chess, chinese history, world history and many more. Too bad, i have only a simple mind that can only comprehend stories, and sometimes when it is really interesting, religion and politics.

Ok back to my shopping spree.

I woke up today and decide that i will visit the Virgin bookshop to get myself some interesting reads, and so i went to a mall named City Mall, which was about twenty minutes drive from where i am staying.

I decided to take my time to slowly pick up books that i think might interest me. After all, the reading pace of me now has been speed up to a book a week! I am so proud of myself! So i walked around, looking at titles and the synopsis carefully, making sure that i will not only pick up on novels but something more serious as well. But whenever i come to politics, self-help or even religions, i can help but automatically pass them on. They are just death boring!

At the end of the day, i managed to pick up four titles. Lust in Translation (i think this will be an entertaining perceived on how different cultures see adultery and cheating differently), Hezbollah ( the forming of the most powerful party in Lebanon political party, and also known as the terrorist party by USA), The Black Swan ( a book that explains all the random events that underlie our lives) and of course a novel titled Latifa ( a true story about the life of a girl growing up under the Taliban).

The shopping spree from the book was then advanced to clothes shopping! I realised that no matter where a girl goes, she will definitely able to pick up clothes along the way, and of course i did. Not much but just some skirts and dresses. After paying at the counter, i was happy! Much happier than paying for the books.

I was exhausted after that and decided to sit at Starbucks and did some people watching. In Beirut, smoking is permitted everywhere! So you will be seeing people smoking inside a closed air-coned environment on either ciggy or shisha, when there maybe a baby sitting at the next table. They just dont care! I think instead of me watching people, it was more like people watching me because i was the one and only Chinese in the whole mall!

Anyway then i decided to call it a day by packing Nando's (yes Nando's) for tonight dinner. I hope it taste as good as those in Malaysia (cross fingers).

Quite an eventful day ya?

The Dinner Joke

Something happened to me few days ago and further helped me to understand more on how to stay in Beirut.

Remember i said when we go out, in order to be distinguished from Philippines maids we have to dressed up well and have some branded items on us? Well few days ago i was so lazy to take along my bag so we went out dinner without me taking any single branded items on me.

So we came to this restaurant called the Seafood Palace for dinner. The decorations and style of the restaurant screamed expensive! So we went in, sat down and ordered food and all. All the time i think the waiters must be trying to figure out who is the maid amongst me (the casual dressed one), my dad (definitely not him) and Michelle (who was dresses nicely and having the baby in her arms). I guess it is just pretty easy to think i was the maid aint it? Plus, sitting two tables from us there was a table with a lot of Lebaneses having their dinner and a maid that was sitting at the end of the table. Somehow i see the similarities in her dressing and mine.

And then the most funny thing happened! Our drinks came. I was having a coke and my dad was having a diet coke, and we both requested for ice. So the captain summoned a waiter to bring us a bucket of ice. The waiter came and professionally took my dad's glass and put in the ices for him. After that, he just pushed the bucket to the end of the table and left while me, looking at him with my unbelievable eyes! He really thought i was the maid! So together with my dad, we both laughed out so loudly! And my dad told me, "sorry dear, looks like you are the maid tonight. No LV no ice!" we laughed out so loudly and it was so funny!

So i guessed the captain was still observing us the whole night during our dinner. After seeing that i do not attain to the baby but Michelle did, that i sat through the whole dinner enjoying myself, that i was chatting and laughing with my dad, that i actually do not need to get permission to order whatever i want, that i only helped on on the baby when i was full and satisfied with my dinner, he drew a conclusion that i was not the maid after all!

What was even funnier was we ordered for fruits and the captain brought us the fruits, together with some local desserts, and he smiled shyly and told us, this is on the house. I looked at my dad again and we both laughed, knowing why we got that. And the next thing happened was hilarious! I pointed to some soft cake inside a container and asked the captain what that was, and he did the unbelievable thing! He opened up the container, poured out the cake on my plate, cut it for me, and then forked one piece for me and put near my mouth! Hahahha and he waited for me to eat it, and asked me how it tasted. Of course it tasted delicious because it is like the peanut cake we used to have during CNY. I gave him a thumbs up and he was happy!

Hahahha and then my dad jokingly said that because of that, the tips have dramatically increased! When the bill came, we left a tip of about 14% of the total bill. Not bad huh?

So much for a dinner night out as a maid!

Great Sunday

Surprisingly i woke up today when it was almost reaching one o'clock! I just had the best sleep ever since i reached Beirut! And because of the long night sleep i had, i woke up on a very very positive note.

I was bored yesterday night and when i went through the piles of dvds here, i came across a box that contains all the Oscar winning movies since the eighties till now. And then i did what i thought i will never do, i watched the Cleopatra that comes in two discs, and about five hour. Amazingly i enjoyed the movie a lot and Elizabeth Taylor was really a beauty when she was younger. No wonder she has been married so many times.

So today the first thing i did when i woke up, was to go buy Mcdonald's for lunch. The last time i went, i was dressed rather shabbily, and the same waitress who served me today was kinda rude to me. Today however, i was dressed rather pleasantly, with my expensive branded sunglasses on my head and earphones shafted in my ears. Somehow she seemed very nice. She even greeted me! And to my surprised, this time around, i was given a bag for my takeaways and was told to enjoy my meal when i left. Ironic isnt it? How dressing plays such an important role here.

And then i came back,enjoyed my lunch while watching My Fair Lady. I have never really learnt to enjoy or appreciate the movie until now. I guess i am getting old because i really enjoyed it a lot this time and i was humming the songs from the movie even after i finished it. And my aim tonight will be to start on The Sounds Of Music, the one movie that i have watched tones of time and still enjoy it every single time. I cant wait!

On a different note, i suddenly came to realise what a jerk someone was and what a fool i was! And after that, i think i feel so much better!

What a great sunday!

Conversations with Myself

Few years ago, one of my dear friend introduced me to blogging when he started his. In his blog, he wrote about his feelings, his joys, his sorrows, his disappointment, his love, his job, his traveling, his view on politics and everything else under the sun. He used to urge me to try blogging but each time, i just politely rejected by using the universal accepted excuse - no time.

i salute him over his commitment on his blog because it is not easy to spare ten minutes to write. Inspiration too plays a very vital role. Even if you have the time but you might not know what you want to blog. Besides that what about the photos that he has to take the trouble to snap them, download, resize and then upload to his blog?! I honestly will not be able to do that.

But one thing for sure is that i have become his no 1. secret fan. Everyday i will log on to his blog for updates and even though i do not comment on things, but i was keeping tabs on what happening to him. Occasionally i do comment, only when i thought i want to let him know that no matter what happens, i am always there for him.

All the time i really do not understand why he blogs. Eventually he stops blogging as much, as if his inspiration has run dry. But i still log on to this blog everyday for updates and i will be excited when i see a new post.

When i started this blog, i began to understand why he blogs. There was once i thought blogging was to get close to someone. But now i realised blogging is actually like having a conversation with myself. While the side of me that want desperately to express myself and be heard blogged about things, the other side of me will be able to read the blog using a third party eyes, and somehow, issues become clearer and the heart feels lighter when ideas and issues are unloaded. Sometimes the neutral part of me could even suggest resolutions that didnt occurred to the emotional me.

And now, blogging becomes my way out to express myself. Let's hope the inspiration will keep this blog going for a little longer..

Travi Fountain

Do you believe in wishing? I have never, until recently i think back of what i have wished for some time ago.

I went to Rome during a CNY years ago after a very ugly broke up and i was single for awhile. during that time, i was skeptical when it comes to a relationship and i have little faith in being in another one, and i wasnt interested in looking for one as well.

while i was on the trip in Rome, the tour guide brought us to the every famous Travi fountain. And he told us that fountain is said to be very magical, that a lot of people have made thier wishes here and was granted the wishes too. hence there are many coins from all over the world lying under the water of the fountain because of new wishes being asked for everyday, and also people who came back and tossed a coin to show appreciations when their wishes came true.

i didnt believe that. but out of curiosity, i made a wish as well. i remembered wishing for a loving partner that will makes me top priority and a life that is relaxing and comfortable. then i tossed the coin and promised myself that i will go back to Travi fountain if one day the wish comes true. after that i totally forgot about this incident.

Today i woke up and this came banging into my mind. i know i have to go back to pay my appreciation because i think i have gotten what i asked for. i have gotten a wonderful partner who will give me all he has, if not will strive to get me the best, and i am having a wonderful life as well. what else can i wish for?

Coincident or miracle? Its still difficult to judge....

Gift

i once gave a gift to a dear friend of mine. It was something from the heart, special and the only one in the world. I remembered asking myself if the gift was a good idea. after much debate within myself, i went ahead and presented the gift. my dear friend was happy, so i hoped. the gift lasted for a while until something changed and the gift was not longer needed. as promised, i took away the gift leaving just some good memories.

how do you choose a gift for someone? will it be based on monetary value or will it be based on thoughts?

when i choose a gift, i have always tried my best to get one that will be loved or used by the receiver most. i believe in choosing gift that is thoughtful. it is only then that the gift will last forever.

this year, i was given a special gift from a dear one. it was a gift of love with ever lasting commitment, and i cant thanked him enough for that.

Nostalgia

I made a fool of myself some time ago.

I have given my heart to someone who could not be physically there for me. Everyday i waited in front of my laptop for him to get online so that we could chat. Everyday i woke up and ran to my phone the first thing hoping to get a text from him. It was all sweet and happy. I even poured my heart out to him by telling him everything under the sun, all my true feelings.

At one point, i felt so vulnerable because of that. I felt like i have exposed myself too much to him. And i wasnt getting the reaction i want. Sometimes i feel like i was being abandoned and that i was second best. Then insecurity got to me. I began to wonder why he didnt text me as much, i began to wonder why he didnt call me to say good night, i began to wonder if he has been having a good time outside that he had forgotten about me.

When we msned, i thought i sensed some secrets from him. He was always telling me superficial things only. Then one day, i realized the reason. How can a heart be split into two? How can he still care as much for me when he has started to have a bond with someone else? How could he concentrate to msn me when the bond at the other msn window is getting stronger? How could he spend so much money on sms texting both in overseas? Of cos he has to choose one right, to text more and to call. At the end i realised i was the loser without knowing myself.

There were a lot of questions i wanted to ask but i didnt. I want to ask him why he didnt put all his efforts in me? Am i not worth the effort? Why am i always the second best? Why am i being abandon again?Why didnt he want to change things to better? But i did not. I decided to let it just go. What point is there if i get the answer? the truth might be cruel and i do not need that for myself. It is during time like this that i know i must protect myself and love myself more. So i did what i thought best by letting it go.

I still remember the first night was terrible. How my tears felt and how my heart ached. Then the second night, the third, the forth and life goes on.

Yes, life indeed moves on, whether or not you realised it.

A Thousands Splendid Suns

I managed to finish this book which i cant finished for the last 1 year in Malaysia in 3 days.

The book was written with so much vivid descriptions that you might thought you were seeing incidents happening in front of you. At some point, it was even so heart wreaking that i could feel the pain the characters were in.

We are all born and being brought up in nice and peaceful countries where water, electricity, food, clothes and shelters are all basic necessities. We are all shouting for gender equality, where women should be treated just like men. We are wanted freedom of speech, freedom of mobility where we got to travel to other nice countries. We were all given the opportunity for education and even the mass choices of what we want to study. We complaint when there is a hike in cost, we complaint that the government is not doing enough for us, we complaint when the food or service in the restaurant is poor, we even complaint when once in a while, the internet connection got cut off for awhile.

The story told of the lives of a typical Afghanistan woman from the time she was born. It also at the same time, tell us the real situation when a country is in war. It also paint a clear picture of how the culture of an Islamic country is like, and how the men behave.

Can you imagine rockets and missiles being fired around your house? Can you imagine a bullet flying over you with a bare missed of only an inch? Or could you imagine how your childhood friend were being bombed into pieces and only to find her missing leg with her shoe still intact up on a tree where she was killed a few weeks after her funeral? Can you picture her mother going to the place where she was bombed to pick up bit and pieces of her? Can you ( a woman) being punched in the face, blood dripping off your nose, limbs broken, swollen eyes and still have to endure the pain of being under a belt again? And imagine the pain for the next thirty and forty years!

A thousands splendid suns will let you see all the above, if not more. It could paint the picture so vividly that you feel like you were in Afghanistan. You can even sensed the fear of the presence of the Taliban, the gunfires, the fist of a man, the need to have cut open the stomach for the baby without medications........

Somehow with all these sufferings and pains that one has to go through, one will still manage to survive and live on. The characters in the story might be fiction, but i am sure, somewhere in Afghanistan, someone real might has just been through incidents in the book, and while the fictional story closed in a nice note for the characters, the real Afghanistan is till in war and its citizens still suffering every day....

For those who loves to read but have not pick up this title, do pick it up and you will definitely enjoy the book as much as i do. Its will worth all the time you will be investing in it.

The art of living in beirut

Beirut is a strange place with strange culture and weird people sometimes.

It is a country that could not even provide lasting electricity and decent, clean water. There is an electricity cut daily for three house from zones to zones because the power is often insufficient here. Water tastes salty and harsh where foaming and bubbling is rare, irrelevant of how good a brand of soap or detergent you used. If you boiled the water using a cattle, eventually the cattle will be filled with hard looking stone that will filled the cattle and you will have to buy some pills to dissolve them. All because the water is too harsh.

With all this basic necessity still unfulfilled, somehow the Lebanese are very proud of themselves. Of what it still wonders me?

Are they proud of the bullet holes on their abandoned buildings? Or the tanks and army patrolling downtown as a standby in case riots or wars break again? Or how most of them can't speak the common language of the world - English? or how no money changers outside of Lebanon will not even consider to take their money? I am puzzled!

When the Lebanese see us Asian, they will think of us all from the Philippines. Yes indeed there are a lot of Philippines maids working for Lebanese here, taking care of the kids and household. That is why when they see an Asian looking face like ours, they despises us, thinking that we are from some third world country.

The landlord of our current house will be the perfect example of it. I think he might have thought that we are uncivilized and uneducated. He kept telling us how to live our daily life. For instance, toilet paper should not be flushed but to throw into a bin? That we are not aware that we should close all windows and doors when the air con is turned on and the list goes on. When i hear what came out of his mouth, i wanted to laugh into his face. If only he has gone to Malaysia and see how we live!

Then there was an incident where we were given some really poor service at a restaurant. When you asked for a coffee, you get a coffee but not sugar or milk. When you asked for a pancake it will only come after the third time you request for it and it was cold. No syrup or honey for the pancake too.

Most Lebanese are very critical of their face values. They dressed well on the outside, everywhere you go you see women with branded bags, lots of blings blings, men with nice cars and gadgets. But i really do wonder if they can really afford these things? I was told that a manager earns a mere USD 3k per month only when a Dior handbag after discount is about Usd1.6k. What about the house loan or rental? What about the car loan? What about the daily expenses?

So in order to distinguish us from bring the maids, we have to carry around a gucci bag or maybe sometimes a LV, wears a tag huer watch, dressed in zara or topshop, drives a Rav 4 and put on a Givenchy sunglasses. After all these you think they will be able to distinguish you?

Nah i bet they will be looking at us and thinking, "damn the maids! Getting all the fake stuffs from downtown! I swear i will not pick up the design or style!" And when you go fancy restaurants to eat, they might just think that we are spending our entire one month salary on some good food just because we cant afford them daily! Then comes the question of to tip how much? Too much means you are showing off because you are trying so hard not to look petty, too little is just simple because you cant afford a good tip when the meal is so darn expensive!

So where can i draw the line here?

:) I guess there is still so much to learn about the art of living in Beirut!

It was painful but great!

i am having difficulties to sleep lately mainly is because i have been doing nothing all day long except for eating, watching tv, reading and online surfing. Life seems to be a little too relaxing for me.

Yesterday after being here for three weeks, i could not take it anymore. I was so agitated and needed something to help me lash out my excessive energy but i am not sure what to do.

There is a sky walking plus cycling machine in the room which i am staying now. it looks brand new and i am guessing that the owner of the house bought that for us. So after looking at the machine for three weeks without touching it, well except me using as a cloth hanger, i decided to give it a try.

i worked out!

it was not easy to start on it again seeing that my last work out was four years ago when i was still single and have too much time to myself to burn. so i decided to take it slowly and viola instantly i feel much better! i was sweating so much but it felt good. initially i wanted just to start out by doing a ten minutes work out, then when the time was up i told myself to hold it just by five more minutes.... by the end i managed to do a work out for twenty minutes. though it is not a long session but i think it is a good start. i managed to cycle for twenty minutes for 6km and burn 500 cal. not bad for the first day huh? i thought my legs will be soaring with pains and my arms will be feeling like i was being beaten but no, i actually feel nothing after the session, only tiring while i was working out. Hm... maybe the work out was not intense enough to wake up the muscles yet?

that is the good news but the bad news is, i still could not sleep yesterday night. maybe i should try thirty minutes today, and surprisingly i am looking forward to it!

i wish the best for you

my last post to this blog has unexpectedly brought sorrows and pains to a friend of mine.

he and the wife have been trying to start a family since years ago. due to some medical complications, each time when they tried and was successful, they will have to wait and hope that the results will turn positive for them. both of the suffer from the lacking of red blood cells and that will affect the infant as well. so the first time when she got pregnant, she was overwhelmed but only to be defeated when the doctor told her that the baby will not be born complete due to the situation. i know it must feel like a thousand knives stabbing their hearts when they have to let the baby go. that was almost one year ago.

and then today he told me the saddest news again. they tried and they failed and now he feels like he doesnt even want a kid anymore. i think the trials and disappointments have really took a toll on him.

i really feel very very sorry for him, and there is nothing i can do except telling him that god must have arranged something for them. god must have know that they might not be ready now. so let it be and when the time comes, it will come.

if it is really destined not to, and if their aim of having a kid is to care and take care of a life with love, adoption should be considered. after all, besides missing the pregnancy period, others remain the same. if you could love another life with all your heart and give him/her the best of cares, love and nurturing, does it really matters if he/she really comes from you genetically?

it is dumb of me to complaint about how tough it was to take care of a baby, when all some wanted was to have one to complaint about.

i wish the best for you, please dont give up and live with your chin up high. there is always hope and miracle in the future...

Baby Challenge

i was left alone with the baby yesterday for three hours.

it was a challenge that still sweat me out when i think of it now. Once the parents were gone, the baby kind of sensed that and began crying. I trying wrapping her in my arm and that did not work. i tried having her back on me and face facing outside and walked around, that only worked for a tiny bit. i tried putting her in a stroller and push her around, and that also worked for a tiny second too.

she cried so much and so loudly that i feel so sorry for her. i really do not know what to do. then out of no where, i remember the milk, maybe and please let her be hungry. i rushed and get the milk bottle and stuffed it into her mouth and crossing my fingers that she will take it. Thank god that she does! She was so hungry that she sucked on it so fast and so loudly. After that, i tried my best to burp her and it took my more than twenty minutes. Not that she didnt burped, just that i wanted to ensure that she burped all she could so that she will not vomit later. so i took my time and gently stroke her back and listened carefully for the many burping sounds until i was satisfied and happy.

then the most wonderful thing happened, she slept! she slept like an angel so soundly for the next forty minutes or so. the world was peaceful, although all the time i tried hard to limit my mobility, afraid that i will wake her up.

Damn the stupid car honks! She was awake by them. When she opened her eyes, i saw a frown on her face and she was about to break into tears! I was totally panic! So i quickly picked up the bunny and waved it in front of her and the frown vanished! phew!

for the next half and hour or so, i let her play with her fingers, looked around, talked to her a bit just to make sure that she is feeling happy all the time. can't make the princess upset can i? but happy moments passed quickly. she began to cry again. this time, nothing could really save me. i tried changing her wet diapers, useless! i sang ABC to her as many times as i could and that only helped a while. and then on, i was lost. all i could do is to have the pacifier in her mouth and carried her to walk around. the moment when i feel tired and sat, she cried again. i guessed she was trying her best to give me the hardest time ever.

by the end of it, i was so tired that i just put her in the stroller and pushed her around. she sucked at her pacifier with a very unwilling look, as if she has to just take in what she is getting from me. when the parents came back, it was like a relief team has came to my rescue! i can't be fast enough to pass her back to them. when the baby saw them, she gave them the i-was-ill-treated-and-am-so-sad-look, frowned and broke into tears again....

as for me, after the challenge, i felt like i have worked out the whole day! i was exhausted. i filled myself with a bottle of cold water and decided to sit in front of the television, and channels flickered. Phew, who said channel flickering isn't fun?

I remembered that there was a tiny moment when i thought i wanted a baby. After yesterday, nah maybe not.....yet!

The Song

Everyone has a special song in their heart that they will like. The song can be the oldest or the newest song ever, or it can be the simplest lyrics or melody one ever heard.

However, it is often this simplicity that makes a song moves ones heart. Its the simplicity of the lyrics that will bring out all the emotions and words that you want to tell someone, yet could not do it in person or simply, just didin't know how to put them in words.

I have never came across that song until recently. I was watching a game show the other day when that song popped up on the screen. It is not like i have not heard of that song, it just that when i heard it the last time, things were different, or i was younger with lesser experiences, so the song didnt really touched my heart at all. It used to be one of the nice song, until recently.

i guess when one gets older, or had gone through all the ups and downs in life and in relationship, lyrics are more relevant to one suddenly. This happened to me the other day when i heard the song again. The title of the song, when translated, meant the returned of the love. Overall the song is about how a girl has waited for a guy for a long time but eventually when he came back looking for her, she was afraid to reach out to him again. Instead she asked her friends not to tell him where she is, all because she was afraid that the good memories she had for them will be tarnished once they got back together, or that she was just too afraid to go through the pain again. At the end, the guy found another girl. Though the girl was sad but she is happy for him nonetheless.

Every time when i listen to this song, my past came flashing back and sometimes i wonder what will happen now, if i have done something differently. Have i regretted being with that someone in the past or have i regretted doing what i did, or not doing what i should?

I cant answer any of the questions i posted to myself. All i know is sometimes, things are better kept hiding in our heart, and only to mesmerize the memories alone secretly. When all things changed, memories remain unchanged. Or maybe it have changed by me beautifying them, but what's wrong with that if i can always put a smile on my face whenever i think of them?

Anger!

i can't stand stupidity. Not that i am a very bright person myself but then when you see someone can't comprehend the simplest common sense, that really angers me! how is it that when simple common sense means nothing to someone else? I really want to tear open their brains and see how it is functioned!

The other thing i can't stand is how selfish one can be. It is always me, me and more me in their mine. What about others?I hate it when the other person just centered everything around oneself and taking my for granted.

I wanted so much to yell and tell that me helping out should be based on me volunteering and not for you to command me! Who do you think you are? And who are you to command me? I think there are a couple of occasions where i have signed heavily or showed a very frustrated face and i hope you get the message.

Damn it! And it angers me more when i see how you manipulated the situation and made it as though it was my idea, especially when something went wrong. Can't you just tell your damn ideas and request and demand what you damn wanted? Do not use me as a puppet or manipulate the damn situation!

Sigh, love is really blind! Stupidity, selfishness, manipulative, selfishness, all packed in one but still being wanted. Yep life is unfair!

I love Indians!

I have been in this strange country for almost two weeks now. Though the food was bearable in the first week, it became tasteless in the second week.

Everyday i will have to think of what i would want to eat. Most of the time, i tried my best to make my stay here as close to my home as possible by cooking myself. I have cooked fried rice in two different versions so far, spaghetti in three different versions as well, and some chinese recipe such as vegetable soup, chicken with potato, beef with broccoli and others.

And yet after so much efforts were put in, something is still missing. Yet i didn't know what was, until today!

I have never really fancy Indian food, until today. before i arrived at the restaurant, i was just thinking of eating food to stuff my hungry stomach. The moment i stepped into the restaurant, the aroma of rendang, curry and and chilies filled my nose! Suddenly i found myself in heaven!

I was so excited to see the menu. Though the menu was short with little varieties, to me, it felt like i have gone back home, sitting at a mamak for dinner! It was like water in the middle of the desert!

We ordered rendang chicken, curry shrimps, curry vegetable and even nasi briyani! How cool is that! It was an excellent dinner.

And now i came back with a very full stomach and a very satisfied and grateful feeling. I am sure this meal will at least stop me from missing home for a while.

I think i will be able to go to bed smiling today! hee!

The Ghost of Our Past

I am really excited today when a good friend of mine told me that finally, after so many years, he has found a gal whom is worthy of his bravery to ask her to be his. Knowing him for almost three years, i know she must be someone special because my friend is definitely a timid one when it comes to the love department.

But then he also shared a sad news with me. Due to some rumors that are circulating about her, his parents have disapproved on them and even asking him to end things now. I know this is very difficult for him. He tried to reason out with them but failed. And at this stage, it will be too early for him to know if he should continue because they have only just started. So what i can tell him is to prepare themselves for a long and harsh journey and hopefully time will change how the parents think of her.

I feel so sorry for him.

Who would have thought that what we have done ten or twenty years ago will come back to haunt us now? If we have knew that, will we still do what we have did?

No one is a saint in this world. Everyone makes mistakes but i truly believe in having at least a second chance in your life. I am sure for now, she should be given a second chance. Furthermore, rumors might not even be true. If so, doesn't she at least deserve a chance to be understand correctly, or if it is true, a second chance to start her life on the right track again?

Motherhood

my dad has a new family and i am happy for him. and he just got himself a new baby girl too. she is like a new breeze flowing into our boring family and brings sense of excitement and new life in all of us.

whenever i see the mother, somehow i feel sorry for her. my dad is definitely a big man. she is for sure happily being the woman behind him. at her age, which is only a couple of years above me, her life now should be free and full with excitement.

she has already been through motherhood at her early age, not once but twice. her kids are always in their teenage and could take care of themselves very well. if i were her, being married to a man now that could bring her traveling around would be a fantastic way to live her life. she is free from all the burden of kids and money.

but she chose to have a baby instead and have to go through motherhood again. looking at her and the changes she made, i salute her. i see her now swallowing her food, taking the quickest shower ever, every ready to feed the baby and looking tired most of the time. the pregnancy and delivery of the baby has worn her out. she used to have a good clothing body but now is gone and she realizes that. once i even see the sadness in her eyes when she said that there is nothing in her wardrobe that she can fit into. she was not exaggerating because even now her choices on clothes are lesser. either they no longer fit her or she takes precedent of her baby's welfare over styles and designs.

so this is motherhood all about huh?

but then sometimes when i see how much love there is from her eyes when she looks at the baby, i am sure she did not regret it. when i see how clingy the baby is towards her, there is nothing in the world that can replace that. and when one day, when my dad is gone, i am sure she will be happy to know that she will not have to face the world alone without him because, i am sure she will finds my dad in the baby whenever she sees her.

make sure you treat and love you mother as much as you can, Ru.

the cleansing

I have been doing a lot of reflection on my life lately.

i reflected on what i have been through, where i am now, and what i want in the future. it is like i am searching for the purpose in life once over again. how is it that i do not have so much reflection when i was in the past few years? what have i been doing?

i think it was because i was so busy making sure that i survive in the real world than giving myself some me time once in a while to see where i was going and what i was doing. each day i woke up rushing to work, making sure that i have the money to survive my month, making time for family and friends, and then it was time for myself to rest. it was like a cycle going over and over again on a daily basis. before long, i begin to lost myself in doing what i did. sometimes on a bad day, when the stress came tumbling in, i felt that i was overloaded with everything and the only way out was to have a good crying session.

here in a foreign country, i find the luxury of time to sit by the window, gazing at the view of the sea and reflect my life. its like how back packers will go to some ruins and just sit on a rock and stare at the ruins for the whole day. this is how i feel and it feels good. it is like having a spiritual cleansing session.