Nostalgia

I made a fool of myself some time ago.

I have given my heart to someone who could not be physically there for me. Everyday i waited in front of my laptop for him to get online so that we could chat. Everyday i woke up and ran to my phone the first thing hoping to get a text from him. It was all sweet and happy. I even poured my heart out to him by telling him everything under the sun, all my true feelings.

At one point, i felt so vulnerable because of that. I felt like i have exposed myself too much to him. And i wasnt getting the reaction i want. Sometimes i feel like i was being abandoned and that i was second best. Then insecurity got to me. I began to wonder why he didnt text me as much, i began to wonder why he didnt call me to say good night, i began to wonder if he has been having a good time outside that he had forgotten about me.

When we msned, i thought i sensed some secrets from him. He was always telling me superficial things only. Then one day, i realized the reason. How can a heart be split into two? How can he still care as much for me when he has started to have a bond with someone else? How could he concentrate to msn me when the bond at the other msn window is getting stronger? How could he spend so much money on sms texting both in overseas? Of cos he has to choose one right, to text more and to call. At the end i realised i was the loser without knowing myself.

There were a lot of questions i wanted to ask but i didnt. I want to ask him why he didnt put all his efforts in me? Am i not worth the effort? Why am i always the second best? Why am i being abandon again?Why didnt he want to change things to better? But i did not. I decided to let it just go. What point is there if i get the answer? the truth might be cruel and i do not need that for myself. It is during time like this that i know i must protect myself and love myself more. So i did what i thought best by letting it go.

I still remember the first night was terrible. How my tears felt and how my heart ached. Then the second night, the third, the forth and life goes on.

Yes, life indeed moves on, whether or not you realised it.