I was told of a story of a girl and I hope that by writing her story here at my blog, it will be served as a path for her road to closure, and thus bringing forgiveness in her heart and happiniess thereafter.
The story started during her childhood, a childhood that made its mark on her so deeply even to now. She told me her childhood has brought her happiness and joys, but at the same time, sorrows, pains, betrayal and also the inability to trust those whom she loves.
She was raised and brought up in a normal, small family in her early years. Then one day, things changed around her. She remembers crying and cursing that came from her mother and the coldness that was from her father. Each night, her mother will have them locked inside a room, where she will cried and asked of her daughter never to forgive the betrayal brought upon by the father. But the daughter couldn’t bear the pain of hating her father, yet the mother insisted that upon her. So day by day, the girl started to tell herself how much she hated her father, scribbling hateful words on the word which pleased her mum, and eventually the girl really did hate her father.
The one day, the father was gone. She remembered sometime after her father was gone, one night, her mother gathered them into a car and drove to a place where they waited patiently for the arrival of the father. That was where the father had moved out to. But they have never got the chance to meet him at all. Then one fateful day again, the girl was brought to a place where there she met her father after a long time, with another woman. She was too young to make out what exactly happened that day or what words were exchanged between her parents. All she remembered was the other woman smiled at her and her siblings all the time whithout a word. She told me the most lasting impression that lady had on her was when she helped on of her siblings in changing a wet shorts with a dry one. Later on after that day, she was told that her father has cheated on her mother and the lady was his lover. So my friend hated her father even more.
After that her world changed. There are just bits and pieces of her memories when she told me her stories. She told me she couldn’t remember the exact time when things happened. Maybe because subconsciously her mind has sheltered her from pains by trying to block out the bad memories, but some still finds the way and creep into her mind at times.
Her mother began to gamble and borrowed money from loan sharks. There will night where they have lived in the dark and pretended not to be at home when someone was shouting and cursing, and slamming the gate demanding for money. There were incidents where she came back only to see pieces of woods being shalved into the holes of the door by the loan sharks. Or there were times when the house gate were being splashed by read paints and the picture of her mother flying around in flyers screaming liar and debtor. She even have to answer to calls or meet the loan sharks when she grew older while all the time her mother just hid inside the house pretended that she was not home. And when she got insulted by the loan sharks and came back crying, her mother did not even shower her with a glimpse of sympathy but calling her a coward, unreasonable and being too emotional to cry.
She retreated into her little own world by using blakets and pillows to build her own castle where she knows she will be save. She felt that there was no one that really cares of her, not her father, not her mother. She felt that her mother has only eyes for her siblings and she could never meet what her mother wants of her. She could never be good enough for her.Hence she was rebellious and she was envied and jealous of her siblings. She wanted more love from her mother, but she was never granted the loves she thought she deserves. So the relationship between her mother and her grew apart. Eventually when she grew up and understood that it takes two parties to bear for the ups and downs in love, she no longer hates her father but come to unleash all the loves she had for him over the years. Then she also saw the reality, and the other side of her mother, a side which could only seen by a grown up.
She told me that she could not understand why and how could a mother put all her miseries that she got from her father onto a little girl as young as nine? I do not know how to answer her. She told me, while grinning her teeth trying not to shed a tear, that she remembers how her mother insisted her to be involved in the “discussion” between the parents on their marriage. While her dad begged the mother to leave the kids out of the issue, the mother insisted that the daughter stayed in, and be the judge of the whole situation. How should a nine years old know what to do or call a judge to it? She also remembers that that day was her birthday. While she cried and said she didn’t know what to do or say on the situation, and pleaded her mother to just grant her a peaceful birthday dinner, her mother said coldly to her that what is so important of your birthday? She said she could not forget this incident, nor how her mother had insulted herself and my friend during the dinner that day by showing faces and talking scarcastically to her dad in the presence of my friend’s best friend.
There was also one time when she failed her driving test and was being called a shame by the mother. There was time when she was older, she fought with her mother when her mother had begin to slap and pushed her during any arguments. There was an incident when she was sick and called her mother to buy her medicine on her way back but was being called as cruel kid. All because her mother listened to some outsider who asked why your kid didn’t not ask where your about or if you have eaten when she called but instead asked of favour of you. Then the mother came back, threw a sachet of medicine on my friend, and scolded her for that. When my friend cried and said she was sick, the mother just asked her if she is death yet? Why is it that so many died of sickness and not her, her own daughter?
The next day, my friend ran out with her luggage. Days passed and finally her father called, begging her to go home, and asking forgiveness on behalf of her mother. When my friend went overseas to study, at the eve of her final graduation exam, her mother called and demanded her to call her relatives on how she has always been the faithful wife to her father while the next call was from her father who asked her to stay out of this and just to concentrate on her exam and studies, that this is not as important as her future. But my friend obliged to her mother’s request but couldn’t never understand how could her mother be so self-centred of herself? She asked me about the stories of greatest mother loves to their kids, how come that didn’t happen on her?
When she got back after her studies, she was again being dragged into the parents’ problems, being the message deliverer all the time. She told me that was the worst time of her life. When she delivered a message that was unpleasant, she will be accussed by her mother for being a traitor for standing by her father. When the exact words were being said by her and her siblings to her mother, she was the one to be blamed and hated, even when she was just repeating to her mother what she heard. She told me that life seems so unfair. And once when she got heart broken and went back to seek sympathy from her mother, all she got from her was that she was not good enough for the boy, from the mouth of her mother. Little did the mother knew that the reason behind the break up was because her boyfriend could no longer stand her mother for putting him through all her nonsense back stabbing talk about the father or asking him to help investigate on her father. He even called her mother insane!
Sometime after that, her mother started gambling again, this time in more debts and more loan sharks. When she and the siblings went through hell, begging everyone they knew to help, her own mother decided to leave them behind, quietly. So the whole ordeal repeat itself again. Red painted sprayed, electricity being cut off, the hiding, the fear of their safety, the need to relocate. What had hurt her most was when she got to know that her mother even showed the sharks the pictures of her kids. She could not believed that a mother could be so cruel, where the safety of her kids meant nothing to her. At that time, she told me that she even hated herself for looking like her. She wanted to smash the radio when they sing about the greatness of mothers love during mothers’ day.
And today, after all those ordeals, she tried very hard herself to love her mother. Though they still dine and wine some time, but she no longer could just love her and not hating her at the same time, she could not have the respects she used to have for her. She is often torn between loving and hating her mother whenever she meets her. She told me that sometimes, when the hates are much more than loves, anger will fill her but at some other time, the angel will speak into her ears telling her that everyone deserves a second chance, and reminded her the goodness that once did came from her mother.
And thus, she is afraid of motherhood. She is afraid of herself. She does not believe in faithfulness or long lasting love. She doesn not believes in marriage.
My dear friend, I really hope that by drawing all these sorrows and penning them down here, you could find a closure to the hates and sorrows you have in you. Let whatever I have written here be the past and let the future begins. I wish that forgiveness will fill the emptiness of your heart after all were drawn out. And then you should start a new chapter of your life that focus on non others, but you. It is only when you learn to forget and forgive that you will be able to sleep soundly at night, and smile the biggest smile you ever had, and love others wihout building a wall between you.
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